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The Witchalok is a joke character class released in April 2009, claimed to be a Player's Handbook 3 preview.  In the official description, Witchaloks are heirs of a billion-year heritage of baleful sorcery that is substantially more baleful then their magical contemporaries.  The rest of the leading paragraph then describes other major villains being not good enough.

Witchaloks originate from the webcomic Penny Arcade and made their debut in January 16, 2009.

Class traits[]

Primary Role: Controller

Power source: Arcane

Key abilities: Charisma, Dexterity, Constitution

At first level, a witchalok has hit points equal to 9 + Constitution score. The witchalok gains 5 and three quarters hit points per level. The witrchalok has 6 + constitution modifier healing surges per day, and a +1 bonus to fortitude, reflex and will.

The witchalok has proficiency with cloth and leather armor. They are proficient with witchalok blades as a weapon and implement, but only two exist and are shared among all witchaloks.

A witchalok is trained in Religion, plus three other skills from the class skill list:

Nut allergy[]

Witchaloks are dealthly allergic to nuts and nut byproducts.

This may also include subjects that appeared on Not Always Right.


As a twisting vortex that vomits necrotic energy, you can choose one of the following benefits:

  • Sweet: When using any of your witchalok powers, choose one target you have line of sight to. That target is blown away.
  • Awesome: Whenever a target would be pushed by one of your Witchalok powrs, that target also wants to hang out sometime maybe, if you aren't too busy.


All witchaloks can speak unaccented witcholese.

Hermaphoditic Androgynites[]

All witchaloks are considered male and female for purposes of effects related to gender.

Ritual Casting[]

Gain Ritual Caster as a bonus feat. (The preview calls it Ritual Casting.)


Witchaloks rely exclusivly on Witchalok Blades to focue their brutal, otherworldly will. These blades allow full access to the infinite folds of the Witchweave. However, only one pair of Witchalok Blades exists, and all Witchaloks must share them.

External links[]